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Jokes
by Joke Rating Machine
A foursome is waiting at the men’s
tee while a foursome of ladies is hitting from the ladies’
tee.
The ladies are taking their time and
when the last one is finally ready to hit the ball,
she hacks at it and it only goes about 10 feet. She
walks up to it and hacks away again... another 10 feet.
After the third time, she looks up at
the men waiting and, in frustration, says, "I guess
all those fucking lessons I took this winter didn’t
help!"
One of the men immediately replies,
"Maybe you should have taken golf lessons instead!"
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Toward the end of the golf course, Dave
somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods finding
it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.
Trying to get his ball back in play,
he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in
the patch.
All of a sudden . . . POOF! In a flash
and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She
said, "I’m Mother Nature! Do you know how
long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for that,
you won’t have any butter for your popcorn the
rest of your life; better still; you won’t have
any butter for your toast for the rest of your life...
as a matter of fact, you won’t have any butter
for anything the rest of your life!"
THEN POOF! She was gone.
After Dave got hold of himself, he hollered
for his friend, Fred. "Fred, where are you?"
Fred yells back, "I’m over
here, in the pussy willows."
Dave yells back... "DON’T
SWING, FRED!!! For the love of God, DON?T SWING!!!"
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A man was stranded on a desert island
for 10 years. One day a beautiful girl swims to shore
in a wet suit.
Man: "Hi! Am I ever happy to see
you.?
Girl: "Hi! It seems like you’ve
been here along time. How long has it been since you’ve
had a cigarette?"
Man: "It’s been ten years!"
With this information the girl unzips a slot on the
arm of her wet suit and gives the man cigarette.
Man: "Oh, thank you so much!"
Girl: "So tell me how long it?s
been since you had a drink?"
Man: "It’s been ten years"
The girl unzips a little longer zipper
on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of whiskey
and gives the man a drink.
Man: "Oh, thank you so much. You
are like a miracle"!
Finally the girl starts to unzip the
front of her wet suit and asks the man leadingly, "So
tell me then, how long has it been since you played
around??"
The man looked at her and said excitedly:
"Oh, my God, don’t tell me you’ve got
a set of golf clubs in there too??"
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Two male golfers are standing on the
10th tee.
Bill takes about 20 practice swings,
changes his grip 5 or 6 times, and changes his stance
just as much.
"Hey Bill what are you doing? Play
for heaven’s sake. We don’t have all day!"
says Jim.
"Hold on a minute, I got to do
this right. See the woman standing up there on the clubhouse
porch? That’s my wife and I would like to get
off the perfect shot," replied Bill.
Jim looks, and about 250 yards away
he sees Bill’s wife. He says, "You must be
kidding. You couldn’t hit her from here."
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A hack golfer spends a day at a plush
country club, playing golf and enjoying the luxury of
a complimentary caddy. Being a hack golfer, he plays
poorly all day.
Round about the 18th hole, he spots
a lake off to the left of the fairway. He looks at the
caddy and says, "I’ve played so poorly all
day, I think I’m going to go drown myself in that
lake."
The caddy looks back at him and says,
"I don’t think you could keep your head down
that long."
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One day a man came home and was greeted
by his wife dressed in a very, very sexy negligee.
"Tie me up", she purred,"and
you can do anything you want!"
So, he tied her up and went golfing.
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